At the beginning of Lent, I asked Jesus if there was anything specific that he wanted me to sacrifice for the season. I was all too aware of past Lents when I’ve skipped past Jesus, clutching my plans to grow in all the virtue, conquer all the vice, and arrive at Easter exactly as I’d planned. Not this year.
I hoped to hear an undeniably clear answer in prayer about his plans, yet none came by the time that Ash Wednesday rolled around.
But throughout Lent, he gave me many opportunities to surrender and trust him. Some days he asked for small things, like more time with him in prayer when I really wanted to go and do something (anything!) different. But he also asked for big things, like my job after it became redundant when another company acquired my employer. I wish I could say that I accepted his invitation to surrender gracefully, but my prayer life resembled more of a toddler tantrum than a peaceful surrender. What could he possibly want with my job? I’m still not sure, honestly.
He asked for things I never thought he would want, like a Penny and Sparrow concert that I’d been looking forward to since last November. But when I fainted on the concert floor (thank you, low resting blood pressure) and landed back at home before 9pm without hearing a single heart-wrenching Penny and Sparrow tune, he asked me if I believed that only he could truly satisfy. I didn’t give up that easily, either.
You might be seeing the theme here. I’d said he could have everything. But in my heart, I was hoping he would ask for nothing.
As Easter approached, I thought that surely he wouldn’t have anything else to ask of me. But then we buried my grandma during Holy Week and he asked me to trust that he works all thing to good.
This Lent (and all the time) God isn’t just asking me to trust him with a few things. He asks me to trust him with everything. He reminds me that I will see his goodness in the land of the living, and he encourages me to be stouthearted and wait on him. To rest and abide in the knowledge that he is a good father, even when during times of desolation make it seem like he’s no where close.
He keeps his promises.
He is trustworthy with all thing.
He alone can bring fulfillment and true joy. My parish priest reminded me of that reality yesterday during Good Friday service: True happiness comes from Christ alone, not Christ and something else.
Not Jesus and a great job.
Not Jesus and a fun concert with beautiful music.
Not even Jesus and my hopes for his plans for those I love.
Laura Kelly Fanucci recently shared this quote from Meister Eckhart that sums this entire Lent up better than I ever could (even if I had babies who slept through the night):
You must bring him everything! Your dreams, your successes, your rejoicing. And if you have little to rejoice over, bring him that little. And if your life seems only like a heap of fragments, bring him the fragments. And if you only have empty hands, bring him your empty hands. Shattered hopes are his material, in his hands all is made good.
I’m not sure how your Lent went, whether it was what you expected or if Jesus broke open your Lent and asked you to open your hands to receive what he had in store for you. But as we enter into these last few hours before Easter Vigil, know that he is good.
He loves you.
He wants your entire self, always.
What I’m listening to on repeat this month:
Live in Texas by Penny and Sparrow. Honesty hour: this band could have a place in this section of the newsletter every month because their tunes keep me company while I cook in the evenings. Nothing can capture the magic that happens at their concerts (ask me how I know), but this album of live recordings comes pretty dang close.
Barton Hollow by The Civil Wars. RIP to the incredible vocal duo of Joy Williams and John Paul White. The band broke up back in 2014 but their harmonies still haunt me. If you’ve never listened to this album, start with “The One That Got Away.”
A Roundtable on Burnout hosted by Claire Swinarski of The Catholic Feminist. So many of us have had or currently have jobs relating to the church and we’re just tired. I loved this conversation that Claire hosted with a panel of women who are in mental health fields and/or ministry work, especially the parts relating to a Catholic understanding of boundaries. You can access the audio if you’re a paid subscriber and I would highly encourage you to support the work that Claire is doing.
How Sorrow and Longing Make Us Whole, a conversation with Susan Caine hosted by Brene Brown. What struck me the most in this conversation was when Susan shared that she’s been an agnostic/atheist for most of her life but this research on joy and sorrow co-existing is making her rethink the reality of who God is. I’m looking forward to hearing part two of the podcast series.
The Pillar Podcast hosted by JD Flynn and Ed Condon. Not only fantastic conversation, but absolutely stellar investigative journalism on topics that matter in today’s world and in the Catholic Church. I listened to the latest episode (65) last night and it included a great conversation on the strangeness of time during the Triduum as well as a reflection on the horrifying slaughter that happed in Bucha, a city in Ukraine.
Something I’m reaching for every day:
It’s finally starting to warm up here in Kansas. The girls and I have been outside at least once most days, trekking around our neighborhood in our double stroller and listening to the birds. Unless I’m going out to our growing garden and wearing my Chacos, I’m grabbing these Mayari Birkenstocks.
They’re the most comfortable shoe I’ve ever worn and they just keep getting better the more I wore them. They’re making regular appearances at everything from Sunday Mass to Tuesday playgroups.
If you’re on the fence about spending money on quality shoes, let me be the one to convince you that they’re totally worth it. Go get yourself some Birkenstocks.
A tiny shift that is making all the difference:
I’m an introvert, and as a stay-at-home-mom with two little girls who have no concept of personal space and some pretty unpredictable nap habits, I’ve found myself hungry for some true alone time to recharge.
I used to make space to recharge by myself irregularly, which meant that it usually came after a week of solo parenting during one of Joseph’s work trips, or after a week of sick littles. But the tiny shift of making regular time in our calendar for introvert time has helped me think of time to recharge as less of an emergency response and more of a necessary and unselfish practice that equips me to love my husband and our family more. Essentially, it’s playing offense instead of defense.
When Joseph and I put together our monthly budget, we take time to look at the calendar and I pick a day for introvert time.
What does introvert time look like? It always includes what is restful for me. So last month, I spent an afternoon perusing the new book section at the library, buying ranunculus at the tree nursery (which I’ve since killed), sipping on a vanilla Dr. Pepper from Sonic, and just sitting outside in the sunshine without anyone needing me to wipe them or fill their cup with chocolate milk. It was glorious and I came back home rested and ready to jump into the messy and holy work of the present moment with the Langr crew.
This month’s introvert time is forthcoming, but I’ve loved seeing it get closer and closer on our calendar and planning what the afternoon will look like. I’m thinking a long walk, some espresso, and a good audiobook in my headphones.
The books on my bedside table:
Not a book, but this piece from Emily Stimpson Chapman’s Substack titled “Welcoming the Wholeness of Woman” spoke so eloquently into my experience of not fitting as a Catholic woman. Emily exposes lies around the topics of feminism and fundamentalism, but even more importantly, speaks at length about what the Catholic Church really teaches about women’s dignity.
Glass Houses by Louise Penny. I’ve read all of Louise Penny’s books and have a few of them on my bookshelves. Whenever I’m in a season of life where there’s a lot of questions and uncertainty, I find myself reaching for her mystery novels. At the end of the four-hundred pages, there are answers and solved mysteries, which does my heart good.
A Work in Progress by Julia Hogan-Werner. Being an adult is more than just having an ordered life, paying your credit card bills on time, and seeing friends on regularly intervals. It’s about discovering who you truly are in Christ, being gentle with yourself, and realizing that you’re still a work in progress. I’m loving this new book from Julia, a Catholic therapist and good friend. Also, her first book on self-care is a book I re-read often and gift others regularly.
Atomic Habits by James Clear. FINALLY after an approximately eight-seven week wait, I picked this book up from the library this week. I first heard about the book when Brene Brown hosted James on her podcast (listen here). The line from their episodes together that made me stop what I was doing and go place a hold on the book at the library is this piece of advice from James: "You do not rise to the level of your goals. You fall to the level of your systems.”
The books I’m reading (and re-reading!) with the girls:
Bed Time, Ted by Sophy Henn. This book has been in our home for the last six weeks at least. Every time we return it, another copy is on the board book shelf at the library, begging to be picked up again. The flaps in this book are perfect for little hands and the lines of the story have become part of our regular vocabulary. I love hearing Maeve say that she’s “slurp, gulp, slurping her milk like a big, stripey tiger” in the morning. If you love this book, we also are loving Pom Pom Panda Gets the Grumps by Sophy Henn.
The World Needs Who You Were Made to Be by Joanna Gaines. A beautifully illustrated book about the different ways that we work, think, create, teach, and learn. Joseph and I used to be on a hot air balloon crew and we’re always fans of books that feature the joy and creativity of ballooning. (If that’s something you love, too, check out our all time favorite hot air balloon picture book).
Teamtime Around the World by Denyse Waissbluth. My friend Sarah (who has influenced a great amount of tea drinking in our home!) recommended this book after finding it for her classroom. I love how the main text of the book is a simple poem that’s easy to share with squiggly toddlers but the sidebars offer fun facts about teatime around the world to read while littles soak in the gorgeous illustrations of tea drinkers around the world.
If You Were a Garbage Truck (Or Other Big-Wheeled Worker!) by Diane C. Ohaneian. We picked up this book on a total whim from the new book section of the library last week and it is a winner. It explores how all those big wheeled workers really feel about their long days at work. The rhymes throughout the book are so much fun to read outloud!
Mercy Watson to the Rescue by Kate DiCamillo. I grew up reading the Mercy Watson series and seeing them on the library shelf brought back a flood of happy memories. I picked up the first three books in the series mostly to re-read myself but Maeve became an instant Mercy Watson fan, too. She’ll snuggle up beside me and listen to the entire 60+ page picture book, all while asking for “butter toast” like Mercy. I’m excited to check out more books in the series next time we’re in the stacks.
A braggable thrift store find:
I’ve been wanting to break out of my millennial skinny jean comfort zone for a while now, and I finally happened upon a comfy pair of boyfriend jeans from Gap for $5 while on a thrift store outing with the girls.
Those jeans will be in regular rotation but I still won’t be parting my hair in the middle. If you know, you know.
A few conversations to tune into:
I don’t know about you, but fasting is really difficult for me. I’ve fallen into many extremes, and none of them have been joyful for me or those around me. In this episode of the Letters to Women podcast, I sit down with Kristen Van Uden and we chat about the history of Lent in the Catholic Church as well as how to fast joyfully and well. Tune in here.
In an episode of the Letters to Women podcast that I’ve been looking forward to for months, Kimberly Hahn returns to the podcast to answer questions about sex and intimacy and share more about her scripture study Beloved and Blessed. She speaks so reverently and candidly into topics we don’t talk about enough as Catholics. You’re going to want to listen to it here.
You, too, can speak fluent toddler:
Or, alternatively, phrases my kids used that had me rolling this month
Tosh Mope: Chocolate Milk. The only Maeve approved beverage. No, “plain milk” will not suffice. Only tosh mope, mom.
Natdano: Pacifier. Usually heard in reference to baby Ada’s pacifier: “That’s Baby Ass natdano” (Not a mistype. Click here to read more about the “baby ass” phrase heard frequently in our home).
Boujee: Fancy. Often heard in such sentences as “These socks are not boujee enough for me,” or “This dress is too boujee for today. I’ll save it for church on Sunday.”
A quote I’ve been thinking on:
“Hurry ruins saints as well as artists. They want quick success, and they are in such a hurry to get it that they cannot take time to be true to themselves. And when the madness is upon them, they argue that their very haste is a species of integrity.” —Thomas Merton
A poem (or two) to leave you with:
There are two poems, both penned in 1966, that I’ve been meditating on recently. The first is titled “For Lent, 1966” by Madeline L’Engle:
It is my Lent to break my Lent, To eat when I would fast, To know when slender strength is spent, Take shelter from the blast When I would run with wind and rain, To sleep when I would watch. It is my Lent to smile at pain But not ignore its touch. It is my Lent to listen well When I would be alone, To talk when I would rather dwell In silence, turn from none Who call on me, to try to see That what is truly meant Is not my choice. If Christ’s I’d be It’s thus I’ll keep my Lent.
The second is similarly titled “Easter Vigil, 1966,” written by Saint Pope John Paul II. I happened across it in the book The Place Within: The Poetry of Pope John Paul II:
This is a Night above all nights, when keeping watch at Your grave we are the Church. This is the night of strife when hope and despair do battle within us. This strife overlays all our past struggles, filling them all to their depths. (Do they lose their sense then, or gain it?) This is the Night, when the earth's ritual attains its beginnings. A thousand years is like one night: the night keeping watch at Your grave.
That’s all I have for you this month!
In His Sacred Heart,
Chloe
p.s. Your turn! Tell me about your Lent in the comments below 👇🏼 Was it what you thought it would be? How did Jesus surprise you?
p.p.s. Weird favor alert! If you like reading this newsletter, could you forward it to someone in your life who would love it too? Thank you!